It's late and I can't sleep. I have been keeping late nights for half a decade now.
Today, I'm just in one of those common melancholy moods I experience frequently...
And it sure doesn't help that I'm listening to "The End of The World" right now...
The realization surges again. I had put these thoughts at the back of my mind, trying to be Peter Pan in Nevereverland. I spent an eternity in my bedroom. Just me and my computer. Internet access, and video games.
I'm no match for time.
I grow. And time still passes by.
By staying home, I felt like time had stood still. I am still the me who was 5 years ago. Everything was just like yesterday.
Today, I remembered, time had passed by. And I grew. And nothing was ever the same anymore outside my bedroom.
It saddens me to realize, I had let half a decade passed by, doing nothing.
I'm so lost.
All my life, the one thing I thought I have lived for, was taken away from me. I felt lost. Confused. Empty. Lonely. Depressed.
Life is so meaningless.
I eat and breathe everyday. Day after day, the sun still goes on its usual routine. Going up and coming down. Giving the world what they call, "Yesterday", "Today", and "Tomorrow".
I guess this is what everybody is trying to tell me when they say, "Life still goes on."
But no one understands. What goes on, is the body. What is inside, is gone. I am just an empty shell...
I have no dreams nor aspirations. I have no zeal nor enthusiasm. I have no more love to give...
Sometimes I hate myself.
I hate myself for breathing. I feel like a garbage. I'm wasting the earth's resources and taking up space. Ever heard of the song "Creep"?
Does anyone feel the same way I do?
My heart aches all the time. I feel a physical pain in my chest whenever I breathe. Or maybe I take in too much air and my lungs are just too small, so that every breath hurts and I mistook the pain as heartache. I dunno. The pain is excruciating especially at night.
I'm tired now.
I wanna log off.
My pain is consuming me. Sometimes I'm scared. Because I know I'm on the line. What if I break? Will I ever heal? Can I ever be happy again? I feel so cheated how people can say "Time heals."
