It's late and I can't sleep. I have been keeping late nights for half a decade now.
Today, I'm just in one of those common melancholy moods I experience frequently...
And it sure doesn't help that I'm listening to "The End of The World" right now...
The realization surges again. I had put these thoughts at the back of my mind, trying to be Peter Pan in Nevereverland. I spent an eternity in my bedroom. Just me and my computer. Internet access, and video games.
I'm no match for time.
I grow. And time still passes by.
By staying home, I felt like time had stood still. I am still the me who was 5 years ago. Everything was just like yesterday.
Today, I remembered, time had passed by. And I grew. And nothing was ever the same anymore outside my bedroom.
It saddens me to realize, I had let half a decade passed by, doing nothing.
I'm so lost.
All my life, the one thing I thought I have lived for, was taken away from me. I felt lost. Confused. Empty. Lonely. Depressed.
Life is so meaningless.
I eat and breathe everyday. Day after day, the sun still goes on its usual routine. Going up and coming down. Giving the world what they call, "Yesterday", "Today", and "Tomorrow".
I guess this is what everybody is trying to tell me when they say, "Life still goes on."
But no one understands. What goes on, is the body. What is inside, is gone. I am just an empty shell...
I have no dreams nor aspirations. I have no zeal nor enthusiasm. I have no more love to give...
Sometimes I hate myself.
I hate myself for breathing. I feel like a garbage. I'm wasting the earth's resources and taking up space. Ever heard of the song "Creep"?
Does anyone feel the same way I do?
My heart aches all the time. I feel a physical pain in my chest whenever I breathe. Or maybe I take in too much air and my lungs are just too small, so that every breath hurts and I mistook the pain as heartache. I dunno. The pain is excruciating especially at night.
I'm tired now.
I wanna log off.
My pain is consuming me. Sometimes I'm scared. Because I know I'm on the line. What if I break? Will I ever heal? Can I ever be happy again? I feel so cheated how people can say "Time heals."
Monday, November 07, 2005
Monday, October 31, 2005
Bangkok, Thailand
Spent the weekend at auntie's. Sunday night went Devil's Bar and met a long time ago friend, Andrea, aka Skye. She was performing that night. Monday morning, auntie woke up, turned to me, "Let's go Bangkok tonight."
So, here we are - Bangkok, Thailand. 10 October 2005, Monday.
Nana had fetched us from the airport and we headed straight to her house for the night.
11 October 2005, Tuesday.
Went shopping. Nana left her bag in the cab. Finally got to see Alex for the first time. Night came. We went to bed. Met up with Jay and Mike, Mark and Mint and the rest. Came midnight. Aunite's birthday!
12 October 2005, Wednesday.
This day was auntie's birthday. We went to Four-Faced Buddha, and 2 other Buddhas for Love, and Career respectively, just across the street.
Bought a mini blueberry cheesecake, topped with a single candle. Nana and I sang "Happy Birthday" for auntie.
This night we went to Buddy, Khao San Road.
13 October 2005, Thursday.
Oh, we visited this very cool temple. This temple is a MUST-SEE for anyone visiting Bangkok. It is situated very near Wat Pin Giaw (Grand Imperial Temple). This temple is named the San Jao Por Lak Mueng. In this temple there is a magical statue of Buddha. Ask him any question! Ask twice. But make sure to repeat your question ending with "You will be Light," and "You will be Heavy." You will be freaked out that the statue you couldn't lift is so light on your second attempt. Or that you could lift effortlessly seemed to be rooted down on your second attempt...
Evening auntie had a massage at Health Land. Alex's car broke down. So he couldn't turn up at Health Land. But we all had dinner at Fuji.
After dinner we visited the Night Bazaar for awhile.
14 October 2005, Friday.
Night came. Elin arrived Bangkok at night just in time when we were leaving for RCA. Unfortunately, she decided not to join us. We went party again. This time, at Hip Hop, RCA.
15 October 2005, Saturday.
Elin met up with us at Silom to go Chaktu Chak together. Evening, we met Bird for dinner and went to Booze. It was Bird's birthday celebration and they had opened 4 bottles of Red Label. Anyhow, auntie and I had to leave early. I heard they ended finishing 10 bottles of Red Label...
16 October 2005, Sunday.
This day was Bird's birthday. Elin and I were supposed to dine with Bird and her parents. But because it was raining so her parents called off but we still had our dinner with Bird nontheless. Then late evening we moved on to Khao San Road where we joined with auntie. Nana and Alex joined up later.
17-18 October 2005, Monday-Tuesday.
I cannot remember what we did on those days. But auntie was down with fever. And the rest were salon visits. And Alex broke his finger.
19 October 2005, Wednesday.
We made POTATO CUTLETS (miau's favorite) and went for tarrot-reading with Par and Warren.
If I remember correctly, this night we partied at Route 66, RCA. We took some photo-prints on a machine just outside the club when we left.
20 October 2005, Thursday.
First day of class for auntie.
Khao San Road at night. Man, I had the BEST PITA I've ever eaten!
21 October 2005, Friday.
Second and last day of class for auntie. Class ended early so we went starbucks and then to Escudo Club to meet up with Jay.
22 October 2005, Saturday.
Jay was to have a concert performance in Pattaya on Sunday. So off we went to Pattaya. There were 6 of us - Jay and Mike, Nana and Alex, auntie and I. We checked into a hotel called Welcome Plaza Hotel.
Jay, Mike, Nana, and Alex went for the foam party while auntie and I decided to shop around the streets. We all returned to the hotel slightly just after midnight (Bangkok time).
Auntie was tired and retired early while I met up with Nana and Alex in Jay's and Mike's room. So we gathered. Drank, ate, and gambled. I excused myself to leave early. I had to go back to my auntie. I didn't feel good leaving her alone in the room. When I returned auntie was half asleep. She couldn't talk. All I heard were mumbles. But she's playing with the TV remote control alright.
Since the room was 2 single beds I really couldn't sleep. It made me feel "alone". I was high and auntie was sleeping. So I surveyed the room and found myself a perfect spot to sleep. I took my pillows and blankie and settled on the floor right beside auntie. See, this perfect spot didn't allow me to see the balcony, the window, the mirror, the cupboard, and the toilet! PLUS, it's right beside auntie so it made me feel not "alone". PERFECT.
Next morning auntie asked me while I was still sleeping, "Where's the gal?"
"What gal?"
"The gal that came back with you last night,"
Not funny.
I shouted at auntie, "Auntie, WHAT GAL???!!!"
Auntie shut up. I went back to sleep. We checked out. Gathered at the lobby with Nana and Alex. Jay and Mike had already left for concert practice.
Auntie confirmed the previous night I came back with someone else. Or rather, something else. Spooky.
23 October 2005, Sunday.
Had lunch by the beach. Went Ripley's Believe It Or Not. Then we went for Tiffany Show.
Umm... we missed Jay's concert... Yikes, we came to Pattaya for her concert but we missed it.
Rushed back to Bangkok.
24 October 2005, Monday.
This was the day of departure. We picked up auntie's certificate for the 2-day course on the way to the Airport.
We got back in Singapore. And my mom wasn't too happy I had stayed for dinner at auntie's place instead of heading straight home.
So, here we are - Bangkok, Thailand. 10 October 2005, Monday.
Nana had fetched us from the airport and we headed straight to her house for the night.
11 October 2005, Tuesday.
Went shopping. Nana left her bag in the cab. Finally got to see Alex for the first time. Night came. We went to bed. Met up with Jay and Mike, Mark and Mint and the rest. Came midnight. Aunite's birthday!
12 October 2005, Wednesday.
This day was auntie's birthday. We went to Four-Faced Buddha, and 2 other Buddhas for Love, and Career respectively, just across the street.
Bought a mini blueberry cheesecake, topped with a single candle. Nana and I sang "Happy Birthday" for auntie.
This night we went to Buddy, Khao San Road.
13 October 2005, Thursday.
Oh, we visited this very cool temple. This temple is a MUST-SEE for anyone visiting Bangkok. It is situated very near Wat Pin Giaw (Grand Imperial Temple). This temple is named the San Jao Por Lak Mueng. In this temple there is a magical statue of Buddha. Ask him any question! Ask twice. But make sure to repeat your question ending with "You will be Light," and "You will be Heavy." You will be freaked out that the statue you couldn't lift is so light on your second attempt. Or that you could lift effortlessly seemed to be rooted down on your second attempt...
Evening auntie had a massage at Health Land. Alex's car broke down. So he couldn't turn up at Health Land. But we all had dinner at Fuji.
After dinner we visited the Night Bazaar for awhile.
14 October 2005, Friday.
Night came. Elin arrived Bangkok at night just in time when we were leaving for RCA. Unfortunately, she decided not to join us. We went party again. This time, at Hip Hop, RCA.
15 October 2005, Saturday.
Elin met up with us at Silom to go Chaktu Chak together. Evening, we met Bird for dinner and went to Booze. It was Bird's birthday celebration and they had opened 4 bottles of Red Label. Anyhow, auntie and I had to leave early. I heard they ended finishing 10 bottles of Red Label...
16 October 2005, Sunday.
This day was Bird's birthday. Elin and I were supposed to dine with Bird and her parents. But because it was raining so her parents called off but we still had our dinner with Bird nontheless. Then late evening we moved on to Khao San Road where we joined with auntie. Nana and Alex joined up later.
17-18 October 2005, Monday-Tuesday.
I cannot remember what we did on those days. But auntie was down with fever. And the rest were salon visits. And Alex broke his finger.
19 October 2005, Wednesday.
We made POTATO CUTLETS (miau's favorite) and went for tarrot-reading with Par and Warren.
If I remember correctly, this night we partied at Route 66, RCA. We took some photo-prints on a machine just outside the club when we left.
20 October 2005, Thursday.
First day of class for auntie.
Khao San Road at night. Man, I had the BEST PITA I've ever eaten!
21 October 2005, Friday.
Second and last day of class for auntie. Class ended early so we went starbucks and then to Escudo Club to meet up with Jay.
22 October 2005, Saturday.
Jay was to have a concert performance in Pattaya on Sunday. So off we went to Pattaya. There were 6 of us - Jay and Mike, Nana and Alex, auntie and I. We checked into a hotel called Welcome Plaza Hotel.
Jay, Mike, Nana, and Alex went for the foam party while auntie and I decided to shop around the streets. We all returned to the hotel slightly just after midnight (Bangkok time).
Auntie was tired and retired early while I met up with Nana and Alex in Jay's and Mike's room. So we gathered. Drank, ate, and gambled. I excused myself to leave early. I had to go back to my auntie. I didn't feel good leaving her alone in the room. When I returned auntie was half asleep. She couldn't talk. All I heard were mumbles. But she's playing with the TV remote control alright.
Since the room was 2 single beds I really couldn't sleep. It made me feel "alone". I was high and auntie was sleeping. So I surveyed the room and found myself a perfect spot to sleep. I took my pillows and blankie and settled on the floor right beside auntie. See, this perfect spot didn't allow me to see the balcony, the window, the mirror, the cupboard, and the toilet! PLUS, it's right beside auntie so it made me feel not "alone". PERFECT.
Next morning auntie asked me while I was still sleeping, "Where's the gal?"
"What gal?"
"The gal that came back with you last night,"
Not funny.
I shouted at auntie, "Auntie, WHAT GAL???!!!"
Auntie shut up. I went back to sleep. We checked out. Gathered at the lobby with Nana and Alex. Jay and Mike had already left for concert practice.
Auntie confirmed the previous night I came back with someone else. Or rather, something else. Spooky.
23 October 2005, Sunday.
Had lunch by the beach. Went Ripley's Believe It Or Not. Then we went for Tiffany Show.
Umm... we missed Jay's concert... Yikes, we came to Pattaya for her concert but we missed it.
Rushed back to Bangkok.
24 October 2005, Monday.
This was the day of departure. We picked up auntie's certificate for the 2-day course on the way to the Airport.
We got back in Singapore. And my mom wasn't too happy I had stayed for dinner at auntie's place instead of heading straight home.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Country Life
I returned home yesterday. I spent 5 days in some remote "dunno-where" suburb of Surabaya, Indonesia.
It had been so laid back. I had nothing to do. There wasn't internet access at all. Also, I became a perfect source of food for the mosquitoes...
It was fortunate I had my deck of poker cards and my senior companion. Okay, she wasn't THAT old... In fact she looks 10 years younger than her age. Very modern, with very pleasant demeanor.
I've been so imprisoned in my own bedroom, I have to admit, other than my family, I think I haven't actually socialized with anyone for a long time!
A friend of my mom, I didn't bother to get to know. Since I'd be stuck in a week long "dunno-where" retreat, it's definitely a good idea to befriend my auntie. I'm surprised this lady engages in intellectual conversations. And I appreciate that.
This "retreat", a 4-hour drive from the airport, has no heater, no air-conditioning, and water supply comes from a well.
The purpose of this trip is a "vacation for the soul". For the troubled heart, the serenity of a country life can give one peace. To calm down, to re-evaluate, to soul-search.
However, this is all too laid back for me. I'm so glad I'm home. We were delayed and had to catch the next flight which is another couple of days. So we went shopping for clothes. And I tell you, shopping for clothes can make one realize how FAT one is... My first resolution after this trip - lose weight!!!
To anyone reading my blog, to the depressed, to auntie, and to myself, "I wish you WELL!"
It had been so laid back. I had nothing to do. There wasn't internet access at all. Also, I became a perfect source of food for the mosquitoes...
It was fortunate I had my deck of poker cards and my senior companion. Okay, she wasn't THAT old... In fact she looks 10 years younger than her age. Very modern, with very pleasant demeanor.
I've been so imprisoned in my own bedroom, I have to admit, other than my family, I think I haven't actually socialized with anyone for a long time!
A friend of my mom, I didn't bother to get to know. Since I'd be stuck in a week long "dunno-where" retreat, it's definitely a good idea to befriend my auntie. I'm surprised this lady engages in intellectual conversations. And I appreciate that.
This "retreat", a 4-hour drive from the airport, has no heater, no air-conditioning, and water supply comes from a well.
The purpose of this trip is a "vacation for the soul". For the troubled heart, the serenity of a country life can give one peace. To calm down, to re-evaluate, to soul-search.
However, this is all too laid back for me. I'm so glad I'm home. We were delayed and had to catch the next flight which is another couple of days. So we went shopping for clothes. And I tell you, shopping for clothes can make one realize how FAT one is... My first resolution after this trip - lose weight!!!
To anyone reading my blog, to the depressed, to auntie, and to myself, "I wish you WELL!"
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